my mom was reading the newspaper and she said “we should bring more trampolines to Iraq and places where people fight a lot because trampolines make people fight less” 

and then I tried walking away and she grabbed my butt

my mom should have a tumblr probably

• mom: the golden globes are tonight
• me: Michael Fassbender isn't going to be there
• mom: you know it's okay to sometimes watch things that don't have Michael Fassbender in them
• me: I'm not saying I'm not going to watch them, I'm just not going to get dressed up and put eyeliner on for them

• mom: when's Sherlock season 3 coming out?
• me: I don't know. The fans of the show are going really crazy waiting for it. And they were already really crazy.
• mom: they're not crazy- they're high functioning sociopaths do your research.

my mother’s reaction to this pic was “he looks like he just got out of prison… YUM.”

gunshowcomic:

why won’t these men leave my farm

STALK TO ME BABY SHOW ME THE HONEY RICE TO MEET YOU TURNIP THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN MY TIRE IS FLAT I’LL USE ASPARAGUS.

That’s all i had in me, okay good bye. See You Next Monday CUNM (??) 

this is actually how my parents garden

• mom: I want to make marshmallows.
• me: they'll be hard and taste like salt.
• mom: but I'd make them with love!!
• me: marshmallows are only soft and sweet because they're made filled with apathy.

me and my mom repeat this line all the time

"Moriarty has an app for turning people into shoes."  - crocodilepatronus’s mom